I'm baaack!

Hola, amigos!

I've just returned from a lovely 6 day vacation to the Riveria Maya in Mexico with my 2 kids and husband! I would love to say that I rocked a bikini and got whistled at, but no such luck. I fell off the wagon in June when I realized my 20lb goal wasn't a reality before vacation. So, I ate like I was going to the chair and loved every moment of it.

But, I still want to look like the women who wore the brazilian cut bikinis with the nice tan round butts that shook like a bowl of jello when they walked! Yes, I admit I checked out the chicks more than the males in Mexico. I saw some great, and some not so great bodies. And I never felt ashamed of my porky stature. I wasn't seeing these people again! 

So, I shoved my blurpy self into my tankinis and one-pieces and ate churros and custard filled donuts for breakfast, quesadillas and pizza for lunch and God knows what at dinner. I just threw whatever looked good to eat on my plate and ate it. I have to say I NEVER had a hunger pang ONCE in the 6 days we were at the resort. I ate. I ate more. I ate and I ate. Then I drank. Pina Coladas, Bahama Mamas and Corona. And if a Dr drew my blood right now, my blood type would be FLAN. I might've cleaned the Barcelo resort out of the flan at the buffet. I love flan. Mmmmm flan.

So now that my food orgy is over (wiping tears from my eyes) I have to face the fact that I failed at eating on the Weight Watchers plan miserably, and that I need to kick my "new lifestyle" I embarked on in April into high gear. Yay. Whoo-hoo.

Ok, the pictures I saw of myself from Mexico made me throw up in my mouth, so I have to do this. I can't let myself, or all of you down!

I'm rebooting my program starting Monday! Why Monday? Because I want to, that's why. So there.

My new prescription is hard to swallow!

Today I had a visit with my family Doctor. At my appointment, I told her I was reeeeally frustrated with my weight loss success, and I don't understand why it's taking me so long to lose weight. She asked me if I was exercising, and if so, what my intensity was. I sorta chuckled, because I felt like an old lady with a cane when I admitted that I was just walking my dog as exercise. That's not high intensity. Nor is it enough for this body to burn the fat packed on my thighs and mid-section. She says my diet isn't my issue. It's my sedentary lifestyle that's keeping me from reaching my full potential. I only went in today for a follow up on my condition called Costochondritis... an inflammation of the junctions where the upper ribs join with the cartilage that holds them to the breastbone or sternum. I did't expect to come out of her office with ANOTHER prescription!


So, my Doctor, God love her, "prescribed" me exercise 5 days per week. And we're not talking walks around my block. She wants me in my gym, using free weights. *GASP* Um, you mean, I have to go over to that section over by the mirrors where all the beefcakes and Miss Universe look-a-likes spend their time? I don't belong over THERE! Uggg. Fine. I'll take my flabby lunch lady arms over to beefcake city and swallow my pride. All in the name of losing fat cells. So, one hour at the gym it is, 5 days a week. 2 thumbs down. 


I'll be honest. Going to the gym is going to be a HUGE obstacle for me. I don't like doing it. I mean, if I had enjoyed it, I'd already be a skinny biotch right now! So, if any of you have suggestions on how you get yourselves into the gym, and when and what you do there, I'd appreciate your comments and feedback! I need all the help I can get!


Also, I should let you all know that my partner in crime "N" and I have decided that we are going to do the Weight Watchers plan on our own and save us the $40 per month. Now that we have the tools and the know-how, we are going to weigh in at one of our homes each Monday and use each other for support. So, NO, I am NOT throwing in the towel as a Fat Camper. I'm simply being frugal. Don't worry...I'm not going to throw myself into a vat of caramel or hook up a Coca Cola IV, I'm still going to be a good girl, and eat with my brain, not my cravings!

What goes up, must come down!

Well, here I am...sorry I've slacked on the posts lately! I had my week 7 weigh in on Monday, June 14....and I lost a whopping 0.2 lbs. Wowee. So not impressive. I'm ok with it, though... surprisingly. I don't know why, but I guess I've gotten to the point where if I can make it to my Fat Camp meetings to make myself accountable, I consider it a success. I DID track. I DID exercise. I DIDN'T fall off the wagon. I know I did what I was supposed to do! So...when I say that, I get the response that sometimes one bad week will take 2 weeks to creep up on you. I've also heard that exercising will actually put some weight on you at first (water retention in sore muscles, metabolism being jolted, etc, etc, etc). I'm no human body scientist...but when I'm being judged by the number on a scale, I say if it doesn't make me lose weight, it frustrates the hell out of me. So, what do I do? Continue to exercise in hopes that eventually my numbers will show the results? Or say EFF it and stop exercising and just rely on the diet alone?

UGGGG. I know this much, what goes UP must come DOWN.

Unfortunately, my swimsuit debut in Mexico is less than 30 days away and my trial run at the public pool gave me a good idea where I want to be, and where I DO NOT want to be!

Let me just say this. Public pools and I are NOT friends. 

First, I can't keep track of my kids among the sea of heads that all look the same color now that my kids are of "swimming age".

Second, I have to stand knee-deep in luke warm water that sometimes gets a little too warm for my liking (thanks little toddler boy who just peed next to me).

Lastly, let's talk about the women at the pools. And I'm not being caddy...I'm just listing what I've observed and placing titles with those observations. I know you'll all agree with me as you read this! I'm not evil, I'm honest! You can love them, hate them or feel better about yourself as you scan the pool for these mommies...you've done it! I know you have, girls!

I'll categorize the mommies into 5 groups:

1) The humpty dumpty mom. This is the mom that rocks a reeeeeally ugly skirted suit, resembles the shape of an egg and hasn't seen a razor or wax "down there" since 1991. She usually has the naughtiest kids in the pool and doesn't move from one spot the ENTIRE time she is there "watching" her children.
2) The sausage mom. This is the mom who thinks she looks good in the suit she is wearing...but really, not so much. She needs a good pal to tap her on the shoulder and say "honey, you look like a stuffed sausage in that suit, let's go shopping tomorrow for a better one, mmmk?". 
3) The stripper mom. This is the mom we all love to hate. She has a tramp stamp, she is amazingly golden tan head to toe in the month of May and has perfectly french manicured nails on her hands and toes. Her suit is usually a skimpy string bikini and she appears to be...ummm, "enhanced" up top.
4) The girl next door mom. This is the mom who I really can't say anything bad about. She's the one that has the cute suit on from Target, Old Navy or Lands End and yep, she's got a little cellulite and isn't perfect, but she interacts with her kids, and has confidence. A little smudged mascara or wet hair doesn't bother her.
5) The gym mom. This is the mom we all oogle over and makes us feel ashamed to wear a suit in public. Her legs are perfectly fit. Her biceps have just the perfect tone of muscle. She has no cellulite, and her abs are stretch-mark and flab free. *sigh*

So where would I put myself among these categories? Hmmm, I can attest that I've been the sausage mom at one point, but right now I'm confident in my pink vintage 50's pin up style one piece, I get in the water with my kids (gasp! I even get my hair wet) and I have cellulite, so I'll put myself in the girl next door mommy group. But....here's the thing...I don't really care what people think of me in a suit because I'm more than just a body. This is just my packaging. What's inside is what counts the most.

But I still wanna look hot. Duh!

Happy German Chocolate Cake Day!

Thanks to my favorite online newsletter, Hungry Girl, I learned that today is National German Chocolate Cake Day! And since I'm German, by marriage...I thought I'd celebrate by sharing this Fat Camp friendly German Cake recipe! Only 3 WW Points  for ONE deelish cupcake! Gooey-Good German Chocolate Cupcakes PER SERVING (1 frosted cupcake): 138 calories, 3g fat, 258mg sodium, 25.5g carbs, 1g fiber, 15g sugars, 2.5g protein -- POINTS® value 3* If you're tempted to lick raw batter from the bowl while making these, eat the other half of the Jell-O Pudding Snack instead... Ingredients: 1/4 cup light or fat-free caramel dip (like the kinds by Marzetti) 1 tbsp. finely chopped pecans 2 tbsp. shredded sweetened coconut Half a Jell-O Sugar Free Creamy Caramel or Dulce de Leche Pudding Snack 2 tbsp. mini semi-sweet chocolate chips Two 25-calorie packets hot cocoa mix (like Swiss Miss Diet or Nestlé Fat Free) 1 tsp. Splenda No Calorie Sweetener (granulated) or granulated sugar 1/8 tsp. salt Half of an 18.25-oz. box (about 1 1/2 cups) moist-style devil's food cake mix 1/2 cup fat-free liquid egg substitute (like Egg Beaters Original) Directions: Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line a 12-cup muffin pan with baking cups and/or spray with nonstick spray; set aside. To make the frosting, combine caramel dip, pecans, coconut, and pudding in a small bowl; stir until blended. Refrigerate until ready to use. Place chocolate chips, cocoa mix, Splenda (or sugar), and salt in a tall glass. Add 1/4 cup very hot water, and stir until ingredients have dissolved. Add 3/4 cup cold water and stir. Transfer to a large bowl, and add cake mix and egg substitute. Mix batter with a whisk or fork until smooth and blended, about 2 minutes. Evenly distribute batter among the cups of the muffin pan. Bake for 15 - 18 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the center of a cupcake comes out fairly clean. Allow cupcakes to cool completely, and then top evenly with frosting. Refrigerate until ready to serve. Enjoy! MAKES 12 SERVINGS

Going GREEN

Yesterday was a very good...and green... day for me. Not only did my daily journal get filled in with every bite, lick and taste I ate, I took a nice walk and visited my first Organic Community Agriculture Share for my half bushel of vegetables (and a jar of their own honey and farm fresh eggs)! Then, I got home, and my Shaklee cleaning products (all organic, all green products) arrived! By using Shaklee, I'm saving OODLES of money, byproducts, our aquatic ecosystem and cutting down on greenhouse gas that normal cleaning products and packaging create. It's not easy being green, as Kermit the frog used to say...but it's worth it!

For those of you who know me personally, I've been not only embarking on a new weight-friendly lifestyle, but an earth and critter-friendly lifestyle, as well. It's amazing to think what I was so naive to my whole life, and how my eyes are opened to a new way of thinking just because I was exposed to a glimpse of what our food industry has turned our human consumption into. It's a total garbage dump if you ask me.

When I was young, I couldn't STAND red meat. I'd chew a hunk of steak for 25 minutes and store it in my cheek like a chipmunk before asking if I could be excused from the dinner table to use the bathroom....where I'd proceed to spit out what was in my mouth and flush. At 25 years old, I ate my first piece of quality meat (filet mignon) thanks to my first pregnancy craving. Since then, I've eaten a burger here and there, and a bite of italian beef when the urge arises...but you'll never see a giant slab of charred cow on my plate.

My hubs pokes a little fun at me when I get on my soapbox about eating organic foods, using earth friendly cleaning products and eating ONLY organic happy chickens that are raised in a pasture versus a dark glorified shed. I admit I do get a bit preachy about my newfound beliefs, and it isn't because I think my way of eating is right, and yours is wrong...I just think we all deserve to know that there is a CHOICE we can all make when we are picking our cleaning products, dairy, produce and meats.

Our food industry is a dirty, political monster...and the way our "mainstream" food is chemically treated and/or raised/grown is sickening (your fast food hamburger is "cleansed" with ammonia before it's packaged and sent to the establishment). Every time you purchase a franchised, plant-driven food or cleaning item...you're telling that company you agree with their standards and you want more of it. The more organic things that you purchase means the more streamlined and less costly it will be. I know you think of cost when you shop. I know what you mean! I used to buy the less expensive meats, dairy, fruits and veggies. I, too, am on a budget. But when I did my research on how the products I was buying was made/grown...I changed my tune. We should be spending MORE on our food. GOOD FOOD. We have one body, and we should treat it well!

Also... I saw that if my dad/stepmom and I shared a full summer of organic fruits and veggies from a local organic farm, it was just under $300 each for 5 MONTHS of weekly shares. I spend about $65 a WEEK on produce at my grocery store. I'm actually SAVING money by doing this, and supporting our local farmers, too! I'm just sayin'!


I might just be one person trying to make a difference, but I hope somehow you all see that by all of us making just small differences, our bodies and planet can improve. Think about making ONE small change today....recycle your trash if you don't already...choose organic yogurt this next time you shop...try a new cleaning product like Shaklee...any one little thing...it all adds up!

When you drop a pebble into water, it's just a tiny pebble added to many under the surface, but the ripple it makes continues on, and on, and on....

Just think about it....

psst: here's the link to the local organic farm I'm going to. If you live in northern Illinois, check it out!

http://www.tempelfarms.com/organicfarm.html

Piece of cake!

Some of you may have remembered one of my first blog posts where I discussed Michael Pollan's "Food Rules". These rules really have stuck with me, and I thought it was a good time to re-post them again!

The one rule that really sticks with me is about the junk food! I made a deelish chocolate cake myself last night with one box of Duncan Hines devil's food cake mix and a can of Coke Zero. Ok, maybe it's not organic, and didn't follow the rules below 100% (these items were made in a plant) but it's also not a Hostess Cupcake which is what I really wanted! Those are loaded with preservatives and a bunch of other crap. And did my homemade junk food taste good? HELL YEAH! It honestly didn't taste any different than a cake with eggs and oil! Try it yourself, you'll see! It's easy! Here's the recipe:

Take one can of any 12 ounce diet soda and any cake mix. I did Coke Zero and Devils Food. Mix until blended. Pour into greased/floured pan. Follow the same directions on the package for baking.Tah-dah! Top with Cool Whip Free or add sugar free pudding and Cool Whip free for a twist!

For my WW pals: 1/12 of a cake (that's a big slice, people!) as prepared above is just 4 points without a topping. The old-fashioned egg and oil version is 7 points for 1/12 of the cake without topping.


Enjoy these "rules"! Oh! I'm excited about making a visit to my local CSA farm for my organic veggies tonight!

From "Food Rules":

#19 If it came from a plant, eat it; if it was made in a plant, don't.

#36 Don't eat breakfast cereals that change the color of the milk.

This should go without saying. Such cereals are highly processed and full of refined carbohydrates as well as chemical additives. 

#39 Eat all the junk food you want as long as you cook it yourself.

There is nothing wrong with eating sweets, fried foods, pastries, even drinking soda every now and then, but food manufacturers have made eating these formerly expensive and hard-to-make treats so cheap and easy that we're eating them every day. The french fry did not become America's most popular vegetable until industry took over the jobs of washing, peeling, cutting, and frying the potatoes -- and cleaning up the mess. If you made all the french fries you ate, you would eat them much less often, if only because they're so much work. The same holds true for fried chicken, chips, cakes, pies, and ice cream. Enjoy these treats as often as you're willing to prepare them -- chances are good it won't be every day. 

#47 Eat when you are hungry, not when you are bored.

For many of us, eating has surprisingly little to do with hunger. We eat out of boredom, for entertainment, to comfort or reward ourselves. Try to be aware of why you're eating, and ask yourself if you're really hungry -- before you eat and then again along the way. (One old wive's test: If you're not hungry enough to eat an apple, then you're not hungry.) Food is a costly antidepressant.

#58 Do all your eating at a table.

No, a desk is not a table. If we eat while we're working, or while watching TV or driving, we eat mindlessly -- and as a result eat a lot more than we would if we were eating at a table, paying attention to what we're doing. This phenomenon can be tested (and put to good use): Place a child in front of a television set and place a bowl of fresh vegetables in front of him or her. The child will eat everything in the bowl, often even vegetables that he or she doesn't ordinarily touch, without noticing what's going on. Which suggests an exception to the rule: When eating somewhere other than at a table, stick to fruits and vegetables. 

Week 6 woes

I just don't get it. Why can't week 6 and I be friends? EVERY time I enroll in Fat Camp, week 6 serves me a big ole crap sandwich! My week 6 plate of poo was a 0.8lb gain over 2 weeks. What the @#!&?

During the past 2 weeks, I've walked/jogged 2-4 miles A DAY with my dog, Jake. I had some moments of weakness (okay, chocolate covered raisins, Snowcaps, Jr Mints and Butterfinger ice cream pie) and I forgot to track for 4 days, but I didn't hold the local chocolate shop hostage or live in a bag of chips. My intake was still mindful. I ate fruits, veggies, made better choices at BBQs and didn't get so full I had to unbutton my pants!

*sigh*

Had I eaten my weight in rocky road ice cream, or took a bath in Pringles, I'd be ok with my poor weigh in results. My foot fell off the path for a few days of ignorance. Wow. If just a teeny bit of ignorance poses a gain, I'm convinced I can't fall off this tightrope I'm walking again! There's no safety net. If I fall, I break my neck. The end!

The lady that weighed me in saw my shoulders slump and face droop in displeasure as she wrote +0.8 in my book. She asked what struggles or challenges I had that resulted in my gain. I blurted out "chocolate covered raisins"! And we laughed...then I proceeded to explain that I started daily walks/jogs 2 weeks ago so I am disturbed by my gain. Even if I ate a few things I shouldn't have, and went over points a few days, I didn't expect a GAIN!?!? She suggested I start taking body measurements! AHA! I already did! And I professed my joy in the 8.5 inches I lost since I became a Fat Camper! I'm still not sure I understand how you can lose inches but not pounds, but she said it was good, and to not be discouraged by the small gain.

BUT NOW I FEEL LIKE I WASTED 2 WEEKS! 

I was supposed to lose 3 pounds over 2 weeks!

My partner in crime, "N" and I made a deal not to dip into our "pleasure points" this week. On the WW plan, you get 35 extra points per week to use however you want...on one day for dinner, over 7 days, etc. We've both used them up every week. Our little experiment we're conducting will determine if using these are better or worse for us. Stay tuned to see how that goes!

For now, I'm going to drown my sorrows in my Crystal Light Raspberry Green Tea. It's a new week. Time to move on and be a big loser!

Unpacking more than summer clothes. Buh-bye inches!

It's amazing what going through last summer season's packed away clothes can do for you. I had many feelings as I finally unpacked and swapped the spring/summer clothes into our closets and dressers in exchange for the cold weather duds.

Guilt: How did I get THIS many pairs of flip flops/sandals? And does one person really need 22 tank tops? 

Remorse: Those cute black shorts in size 10 USED to fit me 3 summers ago. 

Excitement: There's that slimming black sundress I can look good in even during, ahem, THAT time of the month!

With every inch of my body scared to even attempt to try on any of these articles of summer apparel... I pulled out the white cropped pants hoping to wear them to brunch on Sunday. Over the knee they went. Oh my God, they made it past the thunder thighs! Really? I don't have to suck in my gutt to button them? Wait! The button didn't go flying off, and they're secured! I did it! They fit! *sigh of relief*

Now I'm excited! So, of course, I have to try something else on from the summer storage bin. Hello cute white striped square neck shirt. I've missed you. On it goes. I do the test to make sure it fits...and...the shirt didn't creep up when I took in a breath!

This outfit was purchased in the summer of 2007. Back then, it fit perfectly. I rocked a good tan, and looked fantabulous. I was still more heavy than I'd like to be, but my son was just 2, so I figured the baby weight was still taking it's time to come off. Ha. Ha. Ha. Yeeeah. Not really.

In 2008...I took the white cropped pants out of the storage bin, put them on. Cried. Put them back in the storage bin.

In 2009...the shirt came out... I laughed when I put it on (think Michelin Man) I hung it back up in my closet, swore I'd lose weight and wear it...didn't happen... and the pants never even made it out of the summer storage bin due to my crying fit last summer.

June 6th 2010...it fits and it's like new again! 

Nice butt, eh?

See they fit!

Ok, I'm not Gisele Bundchen, and I have a long way to go, still... but *damn* it felt good all over to be able to wear this outfit (fitting me) again! 

Back on April 19th, 2010 when I decided to embark on my new lifestyle change, my hubs measured my body parts. Part curiosity, part need to get motivated (I'm a numbers gal), I had to know my dimensions! My thighs, my hips, my biceps...the whole shebang were measured. I wanted to see if anything had changed from then til now. I asked my hubs take my measurements again this morning...sure I ask the guy to change out the laundry and he doesn't hear that, but as you can imagine, he didn't ignore this request. Ok, ok...Keep your dirty thoughts to yourself!

Drumroll, please...


1.75" gone from my hips
1.25" gone from my thighs
1.50" gone from my waist
1.50" gone from my boobs (yay/boo)
0.50" gone from my biceps

That's 8.5 inches that have melted away from my body in 7 weeks! I wonder where it went? Oh, I don't care...as long as it's not on me anymore!

Tonight: Weigh-in #6!

I'm skeptical about tonight's weigh in results! I don't think I did so good without last Monday's meeting and I hit the chocolate covered raisins AGAIN (Dammit). Uggg. You play, you pay! But I need my meetings, it's clear this is working when done as prescribed! Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to Fat Camp I go...

Even if the scale has a number I don't like looking back at me, I know one thing...I'm 8.5 inches less of Jess!

The 80/20 rule

So, I sat at my table this morning eating my organic oatmeal and pumpkin concoction reading my Redbook magazine. First, I read through all the "How to make your sex life sizzle" articles, then I stumbled upon a page about how to simplify your eating habits with one simple rule! My eyes lit up like a Christmas tree! Please, fill me in with this secret! I MUST know!

Here's the gist: You should eat 80% healthy (and by healthy they don't mean Lean Cuisine's and Skinny Cow Ice Cream bars) and 20% of what you crave or like to indulge in. Hmm. Seems easy enough, doesn't it? I'm really not very good at math, so this could be a handicap for me. Let's see...ok...so if I eat my oatmeal for breakfast, an apple for snack, lunch is my flat-out chicken wrap...enter another snack...mmm, yogurt and berries...then dinner can be KFC? That doesn't seem right, does it? Is that my 20% naughty portion? Or does KFC warrant more b/c it's fried (and probably grade D chicken, too)? Note: I would never eat KFC, this is simply for example here.

These "simple" rules confuse me. What is 20% to me could be 40% to the experts. I just don't know! Again, my theory that being chubby and eating mindlessly is far easier than planning and being healthy about your food intake. But I don't wanna be chubby. I wanna be smokin' hot! I'm journaling and exercising...and sticking to my Fat Camp plan!

Oh...and speaking of smokin' hot (No, I won't be bringing up Ryan Reynolds AGAIN my dear friend "CJ") I finally got my new workout DVD and used it! I'm so proud of myself--I didn't stick in on the shelf with the other collection of workout DVDs I've accumulated over the years! Someone posted a blog comment to try Hit It! Fitness DVD, a kickboxing routine (and by the way, the instructor is local! See the link below). Whoah, momma! It kicked my ass! In fact, you know how sometimes people work out so hard they barf? Yep, that was me? 44 minutes into the 50 minute workout...I horked. So it must be good!

www.hit-itfitness.com

Only in my dreams?

After my week 4 "high" I'm hitting my week 6 "low". Someone call the waaaahmbulance, I'm feeling whiney about my new lifestyle today.

I feel like stepping off the path for just a day can throw me into a tail spin. Why is it SO fricken hard to lose weight? WHYYYY???

"I'll be right there, Ryan...just finishing up putting on the cellulite cream, honey!"

I keep having these dreams (like real dreams when I'm sleeping) that I'm HOT. Tan, skinny, long blond hair, toned and irresistible. Even Ryan Reynolds can't keep his hands off me! He can't help but throw me up against the wall and kiss me til I can't breathe. *sigh* Then my alarm clock goes off, and I begrudgingly turn it off and shuffle to the bathroom where I catch a glance of myself in my oversized t-shirt and underwear with my hair in a messy ponytail, smudged mascara around my eyes and those pesky extra pounds all over me. Yeah, I'm a real prize. No wonder my husband doesn't wake up til I'm put together and alive! I'm no dream girl at 7am!

One of my pals, I'll call her "CJ" asked me this in a recent conversation:

Would you rather be perfectly thin and happy with your body without a personality, talent or sense of humor or would you take who you are WITH your personality, talent and sense of humor? Hmm...a perfect body, but empty inside? It's tempting...but I think I'll pass.

As much as I yearn for a perfect body, I like who I am. I think most of my friends and family would agree I'm a fun person who enjoys life. If these extra pounds would just disappear, I feel like I could be Jess version 2.0....me, with a few enhancements!

So as I count down til my bedtime to snap into dream mode and await my dream boy Ryan Reynolds to sweep me off my tiny, toned, sexy feet again...I guess I'll keep my Fred Flinstone feet planted on the ground here in reality and keep plugging away at my lifestyle change.

I just wish it wasn't so hard to be here in reality...will I ever be skinny again, or is it only in my dreams?

I'm losing it!

Last night, I watched the premier of Jillian Michael's new reality show "Losing it". Did anyone else? This is where she lights a fire under lazy, overweight and unhealthy people's asses to get them motivated to take care of themselves. What I wouldn't give to have my own Jillian Michaels...

But I don't have her here at my house to scream at me and slap my hand every time I reach for chocolate covered raisins or a second helping of noodles. She isn't up with me at 6:00am telling me that I need to wake up and throw my running shoes on to hit the gym. This is the part that I struggle with, motivation to MOVE. I think about it, I buy DVDs and watch shows about weight loss to get tips and inspiration. Hey, if a 300lb woman can run 2 miles, so can I, right? The eating more healthy part of my lifestyle change has totally clicked with me. And even though I slip up (Hello, Butterfinger Ice Cream pie), I know I am still a whole heck of a lot better today than I was 6 months ago! But my weight loss would DOUBLE every week if I just started using my gym membership or take an hour to complete one of the 1,000 fitness DVDs I've purchased. So what gives?

I set a "realistic" fitness goal last week...to walk my new dog Jake 1-2 miles twice a day. He needs it as much as I do! And because I'm doing it more for HIM than ME, it's getting done. So the question is...why can't I put myself first in line? Why can't I say "Jess, you're gonna hit the gym Mon, Weds, Fri and run 25 mins Tues, Thurs, Sat and take Sunday off." It's so easy to help someone else, isn't it?


I'm perplexed with myself. What is it going to take to get ME in motion? I'm enjoying my twice-a-day brisk "wogs" with Jake. I just know I can do more. For me.

http://www.thatsfit.com/2010/06/02/losing-it-with-jillian-six-week-slim-down/

Week 6 sucks!

Week 6, oh how I dread knowing what I'm in for this week. I'm already watching myself let my good habits turn bad FAST! Why does this happen every time week 6 hits? I feel like I'm in a Scooby-Doo episode....ya know, where the ghost is someone obvious dressed up and the kids find out at the end...then the unmasked ghost says "...and if it wasn't for these darn kids, I'd have gotten away with it!". This is so predictable of me, just like every Scooby Doo cartoon. I'm facing a huge hurdle this week. I just don't want to be foiled again by week 6!

I made BETTER choices this past week. But I still screwed up. I still chose to eat leftover ice cream  cake from a BBQ I hosted Saturday instead of my oatmeal this morning. I had a turkey dog for lunch with strawberries (ok, that's better). However, we saw Shrek 4  in the late afternoon and I indulged in Sno-Caps, Licorice Snaps and the top layer of  the buttered popcorn in the movie theatre. And for dinner, I wasn't really hungry, and since there was just ONE more Drumstick in the freezer, I decided it meant it was for me. Afterall, it's a holiday, right? Yep. Week 6 is off to a craptastic start already! Grrrr....

Holiday BBQs and week 6 are NOT a good combo for me. I'm about 7 lbs down at this point, and unfortunately, since today was a national holiday, it meant no WW meeting for me tonight to keep me accountable. I refuse to get on my scale here at home, I don't want to be discouraged if my weight crept up or stayed the same. One week of failure would be too much for me to handle right now, and I just might hold the poor guy at the Baskin Robbins hostage and live on Rocky Road ice cream for 2 days straight.

So, to recap week 5 in Jessa Rae land:

1) I didn't track my food this week. This is bad, bad, bad, bad. Not using my food journal is like handing me over cupcakes and telling me they are zero points when they really aren't. Failure is iminent while not tracking my food intake. So, as I write this, I'm looking over at my sad little empty food journal that reads May 26th with just one item scribbled in it "Cinnamon Life cereal 4 pts".

2) I attended 3 BBQs in a 5 day span. I did OK. Better choices were made, and I loaded up on fresh fruit and veggies and gnoshed on veggies burgers vs the real cow versions. But I splurged. And since I didn't track, I "guesstimated" my points. This means I underestimated. And this means my week 5 weigh in probably wouldn't have been what I wanted it to be.

3) Walking my new dog has benefits! I've walked 2-5 miles a day with my four legged pal Jake. This was my "realistic" exercise goal, and I met it. I'm just waiting patiently for my new kickboxing DVD to show up so I can add that in 4xs a week!

To act as my own self-help expert here, I'm going to recognize my weak points and prescribe the best medicine for week 6 success:

- Today is over. Tomorrow will be a better day.
- JOURNAL! TRACK! Count every bite, lick and taste!
- Exercise. Some is better than none at all!
- Wear the clothes that fit a little more snug...it bites into the muffin top and cuts into my thunder thighs and reminds me what I'm working toward.

Bite on this:

"Your body is the baggage you must carry through life. The more excess the baggage, the shorter the trip." -Arnold H. Glasgow

The finish line

I woke up today with a grin on my face. My hard work is paying off. Last night at Fat Camp weigh-in, I lost another 1.8 lbs! That brings my total to 6.6lbs down to date. I am excited that not only did I surpass my 5lb loss mark, but that my clothes are beginning to fit better on me and my belly fat is slowing shrinking. YEEEAY!

As "N" and I discussed our loss last night (she also surpassed her 5lb loss mark!) we were chatting about how we view this journey we're on with our weight loss. Of course, I have my sights set on my July trip to Mexico where I have to prance around in a swimsuit, chasing down my kids on the beach. That's enough motivation for me right there to want to take action and get in shape/lose weight. But..."N" and I decided that this isn't a race to the finish line. This is a LIFESTYLE change. Our meetings are like therapy for us. We hear other members struggle, or be successful. The leader gives us attitude adjustments with her weekly topics, and just being PRESENT, and making the EFFORT to go to the meetings makes you feel empowered. Like you're taking back your right to eat healthy and choose what goes into your body! I'm learning to eat all over again. I admit I was in a big hurry to see the weight come off, and was VERY discouraged at my measely 1.4, 1.6 and 1.8 losses per week....I was hoping to see 4, or 5 lbs melt off me in 7 days. I guess I realize that to do this the RIGHT way....for longevity and success....it's a slow and steady process.

So, for those of you reading who are on a weight loss/healthy eating journey like I am...don't sprint to the finish line. Because with a lifestyle change, there really isn't a finish line! Meet little goals along the way, and don't set your expectations too high. Be realistic.

Our Fat Camp leader gave us this challenge this week...set a realistic ACTIVITY goal for ourselves. Hmmm, I realized my "running" goal wasn't a good goal for me because 1) I hate it, and 2) I hate it. Hah! So, I'm shooting for a smaller goal. Walk my new dog 2 times a day about 1-2 miles. And I bought a kickboxing DVD someone recommeded for me on here to try. Yep, ANOTHER DVD. Boy, oh boy, my hubs is gonna roll his eyes when it arrives in the mail! I bought the INSANITY DVD workout set several weeks ago and tried it. Hahaha...yeeeeah. You have to be in shape to do that before you start. Eh, maybe I'll do it next year? See, I'm already setting realistic expectations!

Life is like a box of chocolates...or chocolate covered raisins?

Remember how I said that I don't buy things I indulge in because if it's in the house I'll eat it all? Yeeah. I totally goofed and bought 2 bags of chocolate covered raisins last time I shopped for groceries. I put them into a nice tupperware container, and placed them in my pantry, thinking I'd count out 15 and eat them as my dessert after dinner. I ate the 15....then 16, 17, 18, 19, 20....eh, a whole handful later, 3 times a day, and in 2 short days all the chocolate covered raisins were GONE. And wanna know what else? I didn't write it down in my food journal til the end of the day and had to then realize what I'd done. Grrrr. Bad, bad, Fat Jess. The skinny girl lost that fight. But I have to move forward. It's done, I enjoyed those little yummy dried grapes with chocolate coating (too much) and a new day is ahead of me. Sometimes you need to make mistakes to learn from them. And now I know that I can't have chocolate covered raisins lurking on my pantry shelf. But man, they were fricken good!

Tonight is weigh-in day! I'm more nervous today than in the past 3 weigh-ins because this one holds the key to an important milestone. My 5 lb loss mark! I'm only .2 lbs away from my 5lb loss (4.8lbs to date). I just fear that this week I'll stay the same, or gain. Uggg, that would suck! And I don't get on my scale here at home...I'm accountable at my meetings, and that's where I celebrate. So, cross your fingers that I "stay above the yellow line" tonight (for you non-Biggest Loser show fans, this is when you're sent home).

I'd like to take a moment away from my weight loss discussion to talk about something in my life that happened this past weekend. Life really is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get every time you reach in the box.

I learned about a woman who was in desperate need to find a home for her 15 month old American Staffordshire Terrier, Bubba. After a failed attempt to locate a home for him, I decided (well, ok I begged my husband and he said since I'm home 90% of the time its 90% up to me) we'd meet this cute dog and see if he was a good fit for our family. After a successful meeting on Saturday morning, we decided to give Bubba a home with us. We already have a dog named Bubba at our house, and it was very confusing...so we changed his name to Jake (my hubs named him...he's a Blues Brothers movie fan). Not only did we help Jake's owner save him from being euthanized, she gave us an opportunity of a lifetime. We showed our kids that acting upon good deeds and showing kindness are how we should all live our lives more. And Jake has lit up our lives! He is the sweetest, snuggly and most obedient, mild-mannered 15 month old 95lbs of dog I've ever met. I've already trained him to go on walks with me with a training collar at my side without wandering, he is soooo gentle with my kids and....here's what I love most....has made a connection with me. Yes, ME! I'm his "master". Imagine seeing me with a 40 inch tall, 95lb dog going down the sidewalk OBEYING me. Crazy, huh? I really do love him after just 2 short days of knowing him. When I reached into the box to grab my chocolate this time, I got lucky. I didn't have to bite it and put it back! This one's a keeper!

Celebrate the small victories

The scale. One week it could be my best friend, another week I wanna use it as a frisbee.

I'm results driven. There's a goal out there I want to reach, and I'm so hell bent on reaching it, it's all I see.  I'm forgetting about all the small victories I've achieved because I'm so focused on the number on the scale.

It's time to celebrate HOW I'm achieving my goal. The little changes I've made are worth recognizing. So today, I'm reflecting on what things I've done to better myself, my eating habits and my attitude instead of obsessing over the scale.

I think you should do this, too! Make a list of things you're proud of that you've done different to help you reach a goal. Whether it's weight loss, being a better friend or companion or just being organized...take note of those small victories and CELEBRATE them. 

Have you ever watched an ant colony build their home? Wow, it takes a lot of strength and time (hey, just like weight loss). Those little ants haul heavy pieces of dirt from deep underground to form a little hill on the surface. All of those little pieces of dirt are the small victories. Each one added up to the final result; their ant hill home. 

So, when I look at my personal "ant hill", the 40lbs I want to lose, it was the unattainable goal. It was such a big number and it was going to take so much work to that I didn't want to face it. Carrying around all the little pieces of dirt to the top was something I wasn't ready for. But I am today! 

Celebration #1: I don't have 40lbs to lose anymore! Now it's 35.2lbs!

Celebration #2: Eating healthy is contagious. I've got my husband and kids eating better as a result of my new lifestyle!

Celebration #3: I've made a new friend on my journey! My partner in crime "N" who attends WW meetings with me has become a great friend whom I enjoy spending time with, and our kids get along SO GREAT! (Double bonus)

Celebration #4: I feel a little sexier, more confident. Even though my outward appearances may not be THAT different to the naked eye, I can tell little differences  and wow, that feels so good!

Celebration #5: No more eater's guilt. I'm eating things that are well thought out and I never say "I shouldn't have eaten that" anymore!

Those are just a few of my small victories I'm proud of to share. So, even though my weight loss hasn't been astounding, my ant hill is slowly getting bigger as I reach my goal one little piece at a time!

Q and A with Jessa Rae

Hollywood has given us a warped sense of reality. If you came across Jennifer Aniston eating a giant Big Mac, Large fry and had a Coca-cola IV hooked up to her arm, you'd feel a little relief, wouldn't you? Like...whoah, she's human, she eats crap just like me! But nooo...instead we read magazine articles that highlight "A day in the life of Jennifer Aniston's diet" and it's a bunch of food that costs an arm and a leg to purchase, recipes that require a professional chef to prepare and don't appeal to the "normal" population like you and I!

Jessa Rae is a real girl.

I live in the midwest. I like corn on the cob with lots of butter and salt, I cook for myself and my diet plan DOES include real food that you can make yourself that you can pronounce.

So, let's pretend I'm a famous actress being interviewed by Jessa Rae Today magazine (JRT) and you want to be just like me today, mmmmk? Won't this be fun!?

JRT: What are your favorite things to eat now that you're embarking on this new lifestyle of yours?

Jess: There are a few things I call my lifesaver foods. These are items I can't NOT have in my house. I'll list them for you...

1) Canned pumpkin. Yep, you heard me right! This stuff is a hidden gem in the canned aisle of your supermarkets! Not only does it have OODLES of fiber to fill you up, it acts as a replacement for the oil and eggs in your devil's food cake mix. I have a killer recipe for chocolate cream cupcakes I'll share later! But I eat 3tbsp of canned pumpkin in my oatmeal EVERY day!

2) Progresso Light Soups. I realize it's coming up on summer, and hot soup is the last thing on your mind. But one can of this stuff is chalk full of veggies and at MOST will run you 2 points for a whole can on the WW plan.

3)Luna Bars. I love Luna Bars! Especially the S'Mores variety. It fills me up in between meals, gives me energy and tastes like a treat!

4) Sugar Snap Peas. These little green wonders are virtually no points unless you eat like 1,000 of them. They are full of fiber, they count toward your vegetable servings for the day and they are darn good! Instead of potato chips, nosh on these!

5) Baked Lays Parmesean and Tuscan Herb flavor. WOWZA! I don't eat chips much. I just never had a thing for them. But I discovered these and they hit my sweet spot. One serving of these is just 2 points. And you actually get a nice amount that satisfies!

6) Coke Zero. I'm a Coca-Cola addict. It's the only pop I enjoy. But thanks to the calories in it, I've had to swear it off. Enter: Coke Zero! The perfect substitute for my addiction, it has less sodium that Diet Coke and it doesn't have that weird diet aftertaste.

7) Subway. If my family wants to eat out, this is where we go. I can get a 6 inch turkey breast on wheat with cheese and LOADS of veggies for just 6 points. That's a point an inch! Whoo hoo!

8) Broccoli. I could seriously eat these tree-like veggies by the pound. They taste earthy, have a nice crunch and they taste good steamed with just a dash of salt.

9) Fruit. Once a week we go stock up on apples, bananas, apricots, strawberries, blueberries, oranges, and anything else in season. We're really excited because we joined a Community Supported Agriculture at a local farm and will get fresh, organic fruits and veggies once a week!

10) Flat outs. These little tortilla wannabes are sooo good. I eat them almost every day. Make a wrap, make a pizza, toast them in the oven and make your own chips! They have different flavors like italian, flaxseed and original. Yumm-o!

JRT: How do you keep from gnawing your own arm off? Aren't you hungry?

Jess: I eat more today than I did as Fat Jess. Part of the reason my body is nice and chubby today is because I didn't keep my metabolism working. Simply put, I didn't eat ENOUGH through the day! I sure do look like I ate enough...but apparently my body went into starvation mode and freaked out! Instead of burning off the food I did eat, it stored my sugars and fats in places I didn't like, like my thighs and muffin top. So now, I eat every 3 hours or so, and drink LOTS of H2O in between! By not letting myself get to feeling hungry, I don't risk pigging out in one sitting!

JRT: How do you satisfy your insatiable sweet tooth? 

Jess: I have to eat ice-cream in some form every night. It's just what I enjoy and I refuse to give it up! So I stock up on the perfect alternatives:

-Deans Fudgesicles. These are only 2 points, they are chocolatey, ice-creamy and make me smile.
-Frozen Cool Whip Free. Weird, I know. But a scoop of frozen cool whip free is like barely a point! Add some sliced bananas and drizzle some Hershey's syrup on it, and whallah...I've got myself a banana split!

Also, don't buy what tempts you. I know I'll polish off a whole box of Ho-Ho's in one sitting. So I don't buy them. And if you DO want to enjoy a soft serve cone at the local ice cream joint, get it. Just don't get the super-duper mamma-jamma size! Get the kiddee size and enjoy it. You know you'll be licking your kid's cones, anyhow! []


Oooh, and I'm going to be trying this delicious recipe this week...I'll give you a review once I eat it!
MyRecipes

I do believe! I do, I do!

As this past weekend approached, I was a worried mess about how I was going to manage my new...as I now refer to it...lifestyle and still have a successful 3rd weigh-in on Monday. My son was celebrating a 5th birthday, and along with a birthday celebration comes calories. And those aren't the type of gifts I like an abundance of!

My son loves Superheroes, so he got a pretty super cake. I make their cakes myself, it's a curse and a blessing. I'm good at it, I love doing it... but it puts me and sugar together for a long period of time. Alone. Just the two of us. Like 2 horny teenagers in a parked car.

I guess you can call me Wonder Woman, because I wondered how the hell I was going to make my son's double tiered cake without endless nibbles, bites, licks and tastes. Hah! I'm supposed to keep track of how many points a lick of this and a bite of this would be? Suuuure. Ok. Much to my surprise...I made it through the day with very few sugary tastes of frosting and cake passing my lips. Wanna know why? I didn't want to write it all down in my food journal (thank you food journal!). I knew I'd be mad at myself for all those empty calories, and it worked!

It's party day!  Bring on the calorie orgy! Hot dogs and cheeseburgers, chips, potato salad, taco salad, fruit salad, cookies, apple dip and soda. Nice spread. LOTS of points. One Morningstar veggie burger for me (I don't eat cow!) and I loaded up on fruit with just a spoonful of the high point salads.

The soda was a huge temptation for me. In my cooler amongst little cubes of ice were beautiful red cans of Coca-Cola Classic. I picked up a can of Coca-Cola, looked at the calories and set it back in it's bed of ice, kissing it goodbye. Coke Zero, you're my new best friend! No calories, low sodium, and it tastes just like the real thing!

Candles are blown out. I'm cutting the cake. Oh crap, the cake! As I bit my bottom lip debating on whether or not I eat half the cake  in the bathroom real quick and tell everyone "Oops, I'm such a clutz...it fell on the floor"... or just go ahead and serve it up and share it...my conscience won and I shared. I had one small piece. Totally worth the 6 points I saved!

Party day was over and a success.

Then the hubs decides to have some of the guys (and their better halves plus offspring) stay for the Hawks game. I've got 8 kids tugging on my shirt asking if they can have something to eat as 6:30pm finally registers with me on the clock. What's the easiest and cheapest thing to feed a small village? PIZZA. However, pizza + Jess = sabotage. I LOOOOOVE PIZZA. I could eat it every fricken day. So I decide I'll eat it and 3 pieces is the MAX for me. I slooooowly ate my 3 pieces, enjoying each hot gooey bite and threw away my plate. Done.

Moral of the story...you CAN have your cake, and eat it, too! It's so cliche, I know! But seriously...Dive into the cake. Eat potato salad. Have a soda. Enjoy some pizza. Just eat them in smaller portions! Plan ahead and MAKE substitutions. Giving up the things you love will only make you want it MORE and you'll fail at reaching your goal. It's easier said than done, I get it. I was in those shoes once. But, something has changed for me in this journey (for the better), and this former skinny girl is ready to take down Fat Jess!

And I'm starting to feel empowered! My Monday evening weigh in was my BEST yet. I lost another 1.8 pounds! I'm pretty stoked. And I'm starting to believe Jillian Michaels is a God. She was right! Be consistent, and you'll see results!

AMEN!

Eat this, not THAT!

I was eating my Progresso Light Italian Vegetable soup and banana for lunch today pondering what I would've eaten before Weight Watchers (we'll call that BWW). I decided this might be an interesting exercise to calculate what FJ (Fat Jess) would've eaten BWW.

So, for fun (and out of personal curiosity) here's a "day in the life" of what FJ would've eaten:

Breakfast (9:00am)

3 bowls of Cinnamon Life cereal with skim milk.

My kids: "Mommy, there isn't any more Cinnamon Life for us to eat!"

Me: "Lay off me, I'm starving!"

Lunch (12:30pm)

A quick run to my local Subway for a 6 inch Meatball Marinara Sub on italian bread with extra cheese. NOT toasted. No veggies. All carbs and cheese, please!

"Oooh, cool ranch Doritos, I haven't had THOSE in a while...oh what the heck, I'll make that a value meal--it's cheaper that way, add a Coca-cola, please."

Snack (2:30pm)

One brownie. Make that 2. Awh shit, half the pan is gone.

"I'll start that diet tomorrow"

Dinner (6:00pm)

"Hello, I'd like to order a pizza for delivery"

4 or 5 slices of Papa John's original crust cheese, black olive and onion pizza slathered with one cup of garlic sauce

Late night (9:30/10:00pm)

A nice big bowl of Edy's Churned Light vanilla ice cream with Hershey's syrup covering it so you can't even see the ice cream itself.

My husband: "I thought you were on a diet, Jess? What gives with the ice cream?"

Me: "Shut up, I had a bad day, I deserve this. Anyhow it's LIGHT ice cream. Duh!"

calculating....calculating....calculating...

FJ consumed approximately 85 Weight Watchers points above

I think I just choked on my snap peas! Holy crap!

Ok, to put things into perspective here, I'm allowed 23 points of food per DAY on the Weight Watchers plan for my current weight! I was consuming nearly 4 times that BWW.

Yep, I'm pretty happy with my new lifestyle. I'm going to refer to my eating habits from now on as a lifestyle, a way of eating. Not just a diet. That was no way to eat. Actually, I grossed myself out a little. I think I vurped in my mouth!

Motivation found!

I spent some time looking at old pictures trying to find the perfect "1995 body"* image to inspire me. You've heard me say before that I don't know how these extra pounds got on me! I know the Fat Fairy didn't visit 2 years ago and with a wave of her wand *poof* turned me chubby! I wish. But it's all my fault. Over the 8-10 year period I gained weight, I ignored the pesky 5 pound gain here and there. The extra inches sort of just crept up slowly, on my calves (creating cankles) and then thighs. Next was my belly...and the arms! *Eeeek* My boobs grew 2 sizes! And before I knew it...my back and hips were all held hostage to Mr. Fat Cell.

When you look at weight gain over that long of a period, you don't calculate your gain. You blame it on the designer that made the pants..."Hmm, I have to grab a size 10, these must run small"....or you start wearing things less binding. Remember, weight gain was never an issue for me in my past! This was new to me! But no one stopped and said "hey, you're lookin' a little more porky these days, Jess". Honestly, I was mad at my family and husband for not saying anything to me as I recently tipped the scales at my heaviest in my life. Like it's their fault, right? But they noticed. And subtle hints were dropped that I missed. I was in denial. And to make matters worse, my husband professes his love for my love handles and round butt. Sometimes I wonder if he likes me with some junk in my trunk so I'm not desirable to anyone else? Hasn't he learned by now that I'm here to stay? Sheesh!

I've posted a slide show at the bottom of my blog to show you my transformation from former hotty to mommy, and then a "notty" as I look today. As I held the photo of my former hot self in my hand and held it up alongside the photo of me today, I suddenly felt REEEALLY motivated. A little voice inside me said "Hey, stupid, you looked like that once, and you can again! Duh!!!". Having tangible proof that I existed at that size and shape was the best wake up call for me.

*Photo posted was taken in July 1998. I'm merely referencing it as my "1995 body" for the sake of my goal. I'll take my 1998 body any day. I'm not picky!

Slow and steady

My partner in crime at Fat Camp, we'll call her "N", told me that my recent post describing my body as I see it in summer clothes grossed her out and that I was wrong about how I perceive myself. Isn't it a shame that we beat ourselves up so much? What I see as an imperfection, another doesn't even notice. So "N", thank you. And to all of you reading who now think I look like Gilbert Grape's obese mother...I should explain that I don't look that way.

I'm actually quite healthy. To paint myself in a better picture....I don't smoke (never have), and I rarely drink alcohol. My bad cholesterol is normal and my blood pressure is perfect. I eat organic foods as much as possible, and I only allow myself ONE regular Coke as a treat here and there. I refuse to eat at fast food establishments and I seldom eat cow...I mean red meat. Mooove over cattle. I'd rather eat chicken (free range, organic, happy chickens, thank you!).

However, I have 2 downfalls: Chocolate and Ice Cream. What I wouldn't give to raid a Fannie May chocolate shop or live at Baskin Robbins. It isn't fair. Someone like me who has good habits shouldn't have to work so hard to lose weight. If my only vice is my sweet tooth, why is my body so stubbornly chubby? I hate all skinny women right now. Especially those like Pamela Anderson who have 2 kids, no stretchmarks and quip "Hee hee...I've never worked out a day in my life..." and look like Mattel's Frankenstein of a woman, Barbie.

I HATE YOU, PAMELA ANDERSON!

No one wants to WAIT and WAIT and WAIT for anything these days. We get pizzas at our door in 30 minutes, oil changes in 10 minutes and everything we want is at our fingertips thanks to the internet. Instant gratification. I'm the first to admit I want what I want, and I want it NOW. Sometimes I get it. Other times I pine for what I want and dream it will be mine one day. When it comes to my body, I feel like I'll be a perpetual weight loss wannabe. Sadly, I give up too easily because I don't want those extra pounds to come off in 20 weeks. I want to see it all come off in 4 weeks. So do you...I know you do. Don't lie. That's why there's liposuction...for impatient people like me! But I can't afford lipo. But I WILL get a tummy tuck someday!

I've come to realize that the healthy, toned, sexy and less-of-Jess body is not something I can get by skipping meals, trading a well thought out dinner for a meal replacement shake, or even running once a week. I have to make a lifestyle change by being CONSISTENT and following through with it to achieve proper results.

I've never had to work hard at looking good, and I say that with sincerity, not arrogance. My pre-baby body was pretty rockin' 8 years ago and I didn't appreciate it. I embrace my newfound curves thanks to my babies, but I can be a better me. It's just gonna be a slow and steady journey.

So, as I enter week 3, I'll take my 1.4 pound loss with a smile. At least I know this body is getting good food and the attention it deserves. All I can do is try!

The Incredible Hulk inside me

This past week I've felt so angry at myself. At one point, I think I turned green, grew 2 feet taller, gained veiny muscles and hollered "You're making me angry! You won't like me when I'm angry!". And to whom was this screamed to? Myself. My bread dough belly. My bratwurst thighs. The stretchmarks on my hips. My lunch lady arms I recently discovered. I'm so mad at myself for getting this way! But I didn't even know it was happening! It was so gradual. It took 8 years to get like this. And on mother's day...I couldn't help but smile at my kids, pat my once firm, flat belly and thank God for trading my supple skin into a war wound for the precious, healthy children I now have. Yeah, sometimes I'm a softy. But war wounds aside, I allowed myself to look this way. And I'm sick and tired of hearing "But Jess, you had 2 kids". Um. So what? So I'm allowed to look like a sausage just beacuse I had kids? Uggg. I think that's everyone's nice way of saying, you're cute, but you're a chub-a-roo, Jess!

I'M ANGRY!

Today is the start of week 3 with Fat Camp, and this evening is weigh-in. Dum-dum-dum-dum! Why do I get so nervous before this? I should be excited to step on that scale and see less of me. But no number right now is good enough. I want to see all 38 pounds go away NOW, dammit! At one point this past week, I sincerely debated whether or not to just dive face first into a Culver's Hot Fudge Brownie sundae and load up on Coca-cola all week long and gain 30 pounds more just to be considered for the next season of The Biggest Loser. There, I'd be held accountable, eat specific items, and have someone telling me what to do, and how to do it to be successful in my weight loss.

I've read books, blogs, enrolled in Weight Watchers (remember this is my 1,756th time doing it?) and I do well for a short time. By week 6, I've lost 10 pounds or more, feel awesome about it then I slowly introduce the "Fat Girl" foods back into my life and gain it all back. Then I gain it all back. Then I gain it all back. Then I gain it all back. Ugg. If I typed that for each time I lost and gained, I'd fill this blog with that sentence.

I AM SO MAD AT YOU, JESS!

Had I kept on going from October 2009 when my hubs and I dedicated ourselves to Fat Camp back then, I'd probably be 40lbs lighter right now. But then I wouldn't be entertaining you with this blog! So, I guess there was a reason for me to fail. Again.

I feel like an utter failure today. Sorry I'm being so gloom and doom. But I'm not perfect. Eating quinoa, baby garbanzo beans, cucumbers, snap peas, apples, grapes and drinking water like I'm a camel in the desert has to pay off at some point? I sware on my left flappy arm fat that if I don't lose at least one pound this week, I'm going to live on broccoli and water all week long.

I do want to point out some small positives from this past week I should applaud myself for...

1) I ran 4 times. I don't run. But I forced myself to.

2) My nieces came over for a sleepover over the weekend, and instead of ordering a pizza, coke and eating M&M's, Junior Mints and buttery popcorn at movie time, we danced, opted for a healthier dinner and had popcorn...sans butter!

3) While I might not be losing tons of weight, my body is changing. I've lost inches in a few places, and things fit a teeny bit better. But my "skinny jeans" from 2003 are still folded up in my swimsuit drawer waiting for the day I can wear them again!

4) Mother's day can turn into another "food holiday" very easily. For breakfast, I had my everyday favorite, pumpkin-maple-oatmeal (a 3 point fiber frenzy). We had Jimmy John's for lunch, but I cut mine in half and only ate ONE half--hey, that's not easy! For dinner we made organic chicken on the grill with yellow potato slices in olive oil and parmesan cheese, a huge salad and harvest grains as a side. Instead of going out to eat having a calorie orgy, we stayed home, burned calories planting new flowers, edging the landscaping and pulling weeds for a solid 5 hours in the yard.

So, ok, I made better choices, but I still don't like what I see looking back at me in the mirror today. I'm starting to turn green again, and my shirt is ripping...rrrawwr! JESS SMASH!

I think I can!

Remember the book about the little train that could? That's what I feel like this week. I feel like I'm carrying a huge load behind me. Hey now, I wasn't talking about my big ass! I just have SO much in my life I'm taking care of and want to do that it's wearing me down. My kids, my husband, my job(s), and my ability to do everything I love to do for the people I love to be with in the timeframes I have. Not to mention this weight loss, and the time that takes up! I'm one of those Canadian National trains that occupy the busy intersections with 140 cars. I think I can do this. I think I can. I think I can! I fricken HOPE I can!

My challenge in week 2 was to add the "E" word. Gasp! Exercise. I am giving a shot at this running thing. It's free, I can do it every day and it's something I can do with the hubs. Wow. Easier said than done. Days 1, 2 and 3 I squeezed in a mile and a half run. I felt like horking, but I did it within 15-17 miutes each time. That runner's high I heard about is a lie, by the way. I waited and waited for it to kick in and it never happened for me. I feel like a woman who can't achieve orgasm, here! What am I missing out on? How do I do it? What IS a runner's high? Because I tell ya what, I had a dry throat and my boobs hurt really bad...and that was not a high for me. But I'll keep on trying because I don't give up on things. Most of the time.

This week here in the northern 'burbs of Chicago we had some warmer temperatures and sunshine. Guess what that means? I have to trade in the North Face fleece, broken in-cozy blue jeans and Uggs in for leg and arm bearing outerwear and flip flops. Hurrumph! Let me describe how I feel about my body right now as seen in summer-ish clothing:

1) My arms look like a petite woman's legs. When did I gain weight THERE? And I spotted cellulite on them. I had to grab a brown paper bag to breathe into when I saw this! I think I hyper-venilated!

2) The "twins" are too big for me. I know, I know, I'm supposed to like being large and in charge in that area. But I hate it! My cleavage looks like a baby's butt on my chest and nothing fits right. I want my 34Bs back!

3) Hello bratwurst legs! I'm not talking about the Johnsonville cheddar brats here, I'm talking about those white brats with the real animal casing. Yep, that's what my legs look like...2 large bratwursts.

4) Don't get me started on my Fred Flinstone feet. And if you see me out in public, and I catch you staring at them, I'll yabba-dabba-doo your ass with these size 9s.

When I talk like this about my body, my hubs gets so mad at me. He must see me so differently. God bless him. Sometimes I worry I have beer goggles with myself and I leave the house looking like 10lbs of potatoes in a 5lb bag when I think I look like a rock star. Please, someone slap me if you ever see me in something inappropriate for my body! I'm pretty good about dressing for my body, but I've pushed the envelope a time or two. I mean, tube tops and half shirts are DEFINITELY off the table for me, but I like to wear things that SHOW my curves and shape. Not hang on me like a wet towel. Because as much weight as I will lose, I'll have hips. I'll have an ass and boobs. I will celebrate that. This gal won't ever wear a size 2! And that's ok!

I have vowed not to buy myself ANY new clothes until I am happy with my weight loss. When I'm happy with it, you'll know...because I'll gush on here. But for now, I'm thankful all of last season's summer clothes fit me and I can use those to get me by. At least, I think I can!