The Incredible Hulk inside me

This past week I've felt so angry at myself. At one point, I think I turned green, grew 2 feet taller, gained veiny muscles and hollered "You're making me angry! You won't like me when I'm angry!". And to whom was this screamed to? Myself. My bread dough belly. My bratwurst thighs. The stretchmarks on my hips. My lunch lady arms I recently discovered. I'm so mad at myself for getting this way! But I didn't even know it was happening! It was so gradual. It took 8 years to get like this. And on mother's day...I couldn't help but smile at my kids, pat my once firm, flat belly and thank God for trading my supple skin into a war wound for the precious, healthy children I now have. Yeah, sometimes I'm a softy. But war wounds aside, I allowed myself to look this way. And I'm sick and tired of hearing "But Jess, you had 2 kids". Um. So what? So I'm allowed to look like a sausage just beacuse I had kids? Uggg. I think that's everyone's nice way of saying, you're cute, but you're a chub-a-roo, Jess!

I'M ANGRY!

Today is the start of week 3 with Fat Camp, and this evening is weigh-in. Dum-dum-dum-dum! Why do I get so nervous before this? I should be excited to step on that scale and see less of me. But no number right now is good enough. I want to see all 38 pounds go away NOW, dammit! At one point this past week, I sincerely debated whether or not to just dive face first into a Culver's Hot Fudge Brownie sundae and load up on Coca-cola all week long and gain 30 pounds more just to be considered for the next season of The Biggest Loser. There, I'd be held accountable, eat specific items, and have someone telling me what to do, and how to do it to be successful in my weight loss.

I've read books, blogs, enrolled in Weight Watchers (remember this is my 1,756th time doing it?) and I do well for a short time. By week 6, I've lost 10 pounds or more, feel awesome about it then I slowly introduce the "Fat Girl" foods back into my life and gain it all back. Then I gain it all back. Then I gain it all back. Then I gain it all back. Ugg. If I typed that for each time I lost and gained, I'd fill this blog with that sentence.

I AM SO MAD AT YOU, JESS!

Had I kept on going from October 2009 when my hubs and I dedicated ourselves to Fat Camp back then, I'd probably be 40lbs lighter right now. But then I wouldn't be entertaining you with this blog! So, I guess there was a reason for me to fail. Again.

I feel like an utter failure today. Sorry I'm being so gloom and doom. But I'm not perfect. Eating quinoa, baby garbanzo beans, cucumbers, snap peas, apples, grapes and drinking water like I'm a camel in the desert has to pay off at some point? I sware on my left flappy arm fat that if I don't lose at least one pound this week, I'm going to live on broccoli and water all week long.

I do want to point out some small positives from this past week I should applaud myself for...

1) I ran 4 times. I don't run. But I forced myself to.

2) My nieces came over for a sleepover over the weekend, and instead of ordering a pizza, coke and eating M&M's, Junior Mints and buttery popcorn at movie time, we danced, opted for a healthier dinner and had popcorn...sans butter!

3) While I might not be losing tons of weight, my body is changing. I've lost inches in a few places, and things fit a teeny bit better. But my "skinny jeans" from 2003 are still folded up in my swimsuit drawer waiting for the day I can wear them again!

4) Mother's day can turn into another "food holiday" very easily. For breakfast, I had my everyday favorite, pumpkin-maple-oatmeal (a 3 point fiber frenzy). We had Jimmy John's for lunch, but I cut mine in half and only ate ONE half--hey, that's not easy! For dinner we made organic chicken on the grill with yellow potato slices in olive oil and parmesan cheese, a huge salad and harvest grains as a side. Instead of going out to eat having a calorie orgy, we stayed home, burned calories planting new flowers, edging the landscaping and pulling weeds for a solid 5 hours in the yard.

So, ok, I made better choices, but I still don't like what I see looking back at me in the mirror today. I'm starting to turn green again, and my shirt is ripping...rrrawwr! JESS SMASH!